Cuts
by BigCastleLove
Summary: Kate isn't really acting like herself lately and the people around her starting to notice, Castle thinks he knows the truth but does he? Will this tear them apart? NOTE; it may be disturbing for some people
1. What is going on?

_I had this story in my head and I just had to write it down, sorry if you guys don't like this. I can imagine some people hate to read this story. So here's a note: It may be disturbing for some people!_

* * *

Kate Beckett is one of the strongest people Castle had ever seen, at least she was. She's a wreck now, not knowing what to do with her pain, she started to cut herself. Her whole arms where covered with scars and she just couldn't hide it anymore. She needed help. The reason why she did it was that it made the pain go away, not for long but it was gone for a few minutes. After those few minutes she was a wreck again. Just like now.

Kate was sobbing in Castle's chest. ''Rick, I want the pain gone.''

''I know sweetie, I know.'' He picked Kate up from the floor and carried her to the locker room of the precinct. He softly sat her down on a bench and searched for a bandage in her locker. After he found one he carefully wrapped it around her wrist. After he was done he sat down next to her and took her in his lap. Her head immediately rested on his left shoulder.

''I'm so sorry Castle.''

''It's okay sweetie.''

''No it's not!'' Kate started to sound angry. ''I love you and Espo, Ryan, my dad, Lanie and Alexis who is like a second daughter to me and I just hurt everybody, I don't wanna lose them.'' Kate's voice switched from angry to worried. ''I'm a wreck Castle..''

''Sshhh, come we're going home.''

''But..''

''No but's, we're going home.'' He pulled her up from the bench and wrapped an arm around her waist. They walked out of the locker room straight to the elevator. But what they didn't know was that Ryan and Espo heard there whole conversation.

* * *

Bro, what is going on with Beckett?'' Espo asked with a really worried look on his face.

''I don't know, but she is damaged, really damaged. We're her partners we have to find out.''

''Yeah, we do, it's up to us to fin-'' Espo's phone buzzed and interrupted their conversation. He got his phone out his pocket and looked at it with a surprised face.

''What is it?''

A text from Beckett: ''_Can you tell Gates I wasn't feeling well so I went home?_ _Don't worry boys, it's nothing_.''

''There's definitely something, she never went home when she wasn't feeling well.''

''I know bro, we better found out but before we do we better cover her ass by telling Gates she's sick.''

* * *

_At Gates her office.._

Espo knocked on the door of Gates her office and she yelled that they could come in.

''Sir, we wanted to tell that Beckett went home sick.'' Ryan said with a serious face.

Gates took off her glasses and looked at the with a I-wanna-know-everything-about-it look. ''Beckett is sick?''

''Yeah, pretty bad. Castle almost had to carry her out of the precinct.'' Espo was cut off by his phone again. ''Esposito. Hmm yeah. What's the address? We'll be there in 20 minutes. Okay, bye'' He ended his call. ''We have a murder uptown we got to go.''

They both practically ran out of their boss's office on their way to the crime scene.

* * *

_Meanwhile in Castle's loft.._

''Kate sweetie, go to bed you look exhausted.''

''I am, but I'm going to shower first.''

''Do you want me to join you?'' Castle grinned.

''I think I can handle it Castle. I'll be back in 30 minutes.'' Kate planted a kiss on his lips and walked away. She searched for clothes in the walk-in closet Castle made for her. When she found some clothes she went to the bathroom.

Kate stripped out of her clothes and turned on the hot water. The shower felt warm and comfortable a place to forget everything. She was lost in her thought when suddenly everything went black.

Castle heard an loud bang coming from the bathroom, with panic all over his face he rushed over there but the door was locked. ''Kate sweetie, you ok?'' when he didn't get an answer he kicked in the door and that's when he saw Kate unconscious on the bathroom floor.

* * *

_Some of you probably hate me now but I can live with that. I wrote this for the people who do this to themselves and I wanna let them know that they are not alone. I don't know if I'm gonna continue this story.._


	2. The story

_Okay I decided to continue this story so here you go! Enjoy :)_

* * *

Castle turned off the shower and scooped Kate up, he carried her to the bedroom and laid her softly down on the bed. He tried to wake her up but she didn't stir. Castle panicked a bit but decided to call Lanie. He quickly dialed her number and waited till she picked up.

''Hello.''

''Lanie? It's Castle.'' You could hear the panic in Castle's voice. ''I need your help, Kate just passed out in the shower and she won't wake up.''

''I was actually on my way to the morgue but that can wait, I'll be there in 5 minutes.''

''Okay thanks Lanie, bye.''

Castle sat down next to Kate and rubbed her arm softly, hoping that she would wake up but she didn't. What if this was the end? What if she would die? What if something would happen to her? Castle knew that he would never forgive himself. Since the shooting she wasn't herself anymore and everyone knew that, maybe if he supported her more she could be okay, without pain and without scars. Castle snapped out of his thoughts when the doorbell rang. He slowly got up and walked out of the bedroom. When Castle opened the door Lanie almost stormed into the loft but she could control herself.

''Where is she?''

Castle made a sign that Lanie could follow him so she did. When they stepped into the bedroom Lanie gasped. Her mouth fell open and her hands started shaking a little. ''Omg, what happened to her?''

Castle hesitated. ''Maybe I tell you, can you first check on Kate? I'm worried.''

''Maybe? Ooh, you're gonna tell me!'' Lanie said, pointing with a finger at Castle, her arms crossed.

Castle was biting his nails nervously. ''Kate first? Please?''

Lanie nodded and turned around, she walked to Kate's side at the bed and sat down. She softly stroked Kate's hair off her face and felt her forehead. It was pale but extremely hot. Lanie figured out it was just stress. She pressed a kiss on her friend's forehead and walked back to Castle. ''She's gonna be fine but you have to take care of her, if I'm right she could wake up any minute. So now you can tell me what's going on.'' She pushed Castle out the bedroom towards the couch in the living room, totally forgetting about closing the bedroom door.

They sat down at the couch and Castle started talking. '' When she shot her mother's killer, something inside her changed. She was always open to me and she told me a lot, not only about her mother's case, but also about her life. When she shot Coonan she stopped telling things. Like she was up to something. And then there was her shooting and the 3 months leave. She acted weird because I told her I loved her but I didn't know she knew until that bombing case. She told a suspect that she had a trauma too but that she remembered everything. And then there was that case, I call it the 'always' case. We had a fight, she turned around and screamed at me, rolling the sleeves of her shirt up forgetting about the scars on her arm. She just looked at me and kicked me out of her apartment. Then she had that fight with Maddox on the rooftop of a hotel and she resigned. Alexis just had her graduation speech and my mother was out to the Hampton's so I was home alone. I was on the phone with Alexis and then there was a knock on my door. It was Kate telling me she loved me and she would explain me why she was cutting herself. But she never actually did and now she's here.'' Castle sighed.

''I'm going to check on her, I'll be right back.'' He stood up and walked into the bedroom but he didn't saw Kate, he figured she might had woken up and was in de bathroom but when he checked she wasn't there. Castle freaked out and ran back to the living room. ''Where's Kate?''

''How do you mean where's Kate?'' Lanie asked shocked.

''She's gone.''

* * *

_Tamtamtamtam cliffhanger ^^_

_Next chapter will be up this week :)_


	3. That's why she's gone

_Wanna know what happened to Kate? Go read and find out! ^^_

_A/N; this chapter looks a little like the previous chapter but this time from Kate's POV._

* * *

She heard voices around her but her body wouldn't move. Like she was a prisoner who couldn't escape from his cell. She wanted to tell Castle and Lanie everything was going to be okay. But was everything going to be okay? She was drowning, fast. Maybe she should tell Lanie the real story. Not the one she told Castle. What she told him was more the friendly version without many details. But was she able to tell Lanie without breaking?

It felt like her head exploded, but at least she could move again. She stepped softly out of the huge bed and started to dress herself. Black jeans with a white blouse and a blazer would be okay. It was not like she was going anywhere today.

After she checked her phone for messages Kate wanted to walk into the living room. When she was almost at the door she heard Castle and Lanie talk. She decided to stand behind the half closed door for a few seconds and listen to their conversation.

_'' She was always open to me and she told me a lot, not only about her mother's case, but also about her life. When she shot Coonan she stopped telling things. Like she was up to something. And then there was her shooting and the 3 months leave. She acted weird because I told her I loved her but I didn't know she knew until that bombing case. She told a suspect that she had a trauma too but that she remembered everything. And then there was that case, I call it the 'always' case. We had a fight, she turned around and screamed at me, rolling the sleeves of her shirt up forgetting about the scars on her arm.''_

Kate walked back into the bedroom and leaned against the bed. They weren't talking about her… were they? Castle promised her not to tell this story even though it wasn't the whole truth. But he didn't know that.

Couldn't she just disappear? That would be better for everyone. She only caused troubles. She was hurting the people she loved.

In a hurry she grabbed her bag and put some money and clothes in it, together with a phone charger and make-up. She put on some flat shoes and ran to the door in the bedroom. She opened the door softly and stepped on the balcony. After the door closing softly she threw her bag over the balustrade. They lived on the first floor so it wasn't that hard to jump was it? She is a cop. She knows how to jump.

She heard Castle walking in the bedroom. Between now and 5 seconds he would found out she was gone. It was now or never. She took a deep breath and jumped. She rolled over the dirt on the ground of the alley but didn't care at all. She threw her bag over her shoulder and ran away.

After a few blocks she stopped running. She got her phone out of her pocket and dialed her father's number. ''Hey dad it's me. Are you home? Great. Can I come over for a minute? Okay I'll be there in 10 minutes. Love you, bye.'' With that she hung up.

* * *

When she knocked on her father's apartment door it almost immediately opened.

''Hey dad.''

''Hey Katie. Come in.'' he took a step back so she could come in.

''Eeuhm, no. I can't. I have to leave in a minute but I just wanted to say that I'm okay and that you don't have to worry if someone calls you okay? I have to go, I'll call you soon.'' She gave him a kiss on his cheek and walked away.

He just stood there in the doorway not knowing what to say. ''Bye Katie.'' He quickly said before she disappeared around the corner.

When she out of the apartment building she got in a cab. She gave the cabie an address and after 15 minutes she arrived. She paid and stepped on the sidewalk. After walking 2 minutes she walked into a building and rode the elevator up. When she arrived at the right floor she got out and walked towards apartment 382.

She knocked on the door and someone opened it.

''K-bex?'' Maddie asked surprised.

''Hey. Uhmm, can I stay with you for a few nights? I have some problems at home.''

* * *

_Sorry for the late update, I srsly thought I had time to write..._


	4. Finding Kate

_A/N; A new update ^^ I don't have really much to say so go read :)_

* * *

The car drive to the precinct was silent. Castle was staring out the window, tears streaming down his cheeks. This was his fault. He should have helped her. Maybe if he did, she wouldn't be gone. If she wasn't gone, they would have dinner by now, together. Both with a glass of wine. And after that they would cuddle on the couch. But not today, not tomorrow, maybe never again. But Castle couldn't think about that. He would get her back.

He snapped out of his thoughts when they arrived at the precinct. They both got out of the car fast and almost ran into the precinct. They rode the elevator up and got out on the fourth floor.

Ryan was busy on his computer and Esposito was yelling at the phone. ''NO! It can't wait a day. I want it an hour'' he hung up the phone and walked over to Castle and Lanie. ''We have pinged her phone and she is somewhere in Manhattan, we wanted to narrow it down but her GPS is off. We can turn it on with a password, but… we don't have the password. We've also pinged her cruiser but it's still in the parking garage under Castle's building.''

Castle's face lit up. ''I think I know her password. It always has to do something with her mother, try this 010999JB050712RAERC.''

''We're in!'' Ryan exclaimed.

''Bro, how did you know her password?''

''January 9th 1999 the day her mother died, JB the first letter of her mother's first and last name. May 7th 2012 the day we got together and RAERC are the first letters of my full name; Richard Alexander Edgar Rodgers Castle.''

''She's moving'' they all stared at the red dot on the computer screen. ''Isn't she 5 blocks away from your loft Castle?'' Ryan asked.

''Yes. I'm going to the loft. Can you guys keep me updated while I'm on my way?''

''You got it bro, now get your girl back.''

Espo didn't have to tell twice before Castle stormed out of the precinct to get his girl back.

''Do you know what is going on with Beckett?'' Espo asked while he wrapped his arms around Lanie.

Lanie shook her head. ''No, not really. I have my suspicions but Kate Beckett is a closed book. Even for me it takes sometimes weeks to find out what is going on in that head of her. Castle said this is going on for half a year now. I'm the worst friends ever…''

Espo just held Lanie tighter, not saying a word.

* * *

_40 minutes earlier…_

Maddie gasped. ''Kate what happened?''

''Uhm, I… uhm…'' She really didn't know how to talk about what happened, hell she didn't even want to talk about it. But maybe it was better to talk to an outsider, not that Maddy was an outsider but someone who wouldn't judge, someone who didn't know the situation.

She told Madiey everything, about her mother's case, about Coonan, about Lockwood, about Montgomery, about Bracken, about her shooting, about her PTSD, about the cutting, about her relationship with Castle. She told Maddie every little detail. When she was done her cheeks were red from the crying. She quickly wiped them away and stared at her knees.

''I'm sorry Kate, no one deserves that. But running away isn't an option. Castle loves you and he's probably so worried about you right now. You can stay here as long as you want but wouldn't it be better if you go home? They'll probably be angry with you bit if you explain they will understand, believe me.''

''Yeah, I think you're right Maddie. Thanks.'' Kate got up from the couch and hugged the younger woman. ''I'll text you tonight or tomorrow, okay?''

''Perfectly fine girl, now go home.'' Maddie smiled and opened the door.

''Thanks again.'' With that Kate disappeared around the corner. She didn't feel like taking the elevator where people would stare at her so she took the stairs. After 5 minutes she was out on the streets. She decided to walk to the loft so she could clear her head and think about what she was going to say to Castle.

Castle's loft was only one block away. She was scared as hell but she could do this. She walked into the building and said hi to the doorman. She rode the elevator up and got out on the first floor. When she wanted to open the door she found out that she forgot her keys. _Damn Kate, great job. Now you can't go inside. _She sat down on the floor with her back against the door. Now she just had to wait till Castle came home. Silent tears fell down her cheek.

After 10 minutes she heard the doors of the elevator open. There he was. His eyes were filled with hurt and she could see a few tears blinking in the corners of his eyes.

''Castle.'' She spoke softly.

* * *

_A/N; Still don't have much to say. Actually I do. Go read the awesome fanfic my friend is writing. It's called Having Faith by WritingCastle :)_


End file.
